Air Temperature: -2 Degrees Time: 8.15am
Princey
Cold start again today…with black ice that threatened to have me fall on my nose… Lovely sunshine though which made for a crispy bright start…the sort that you cant help but feel your spirits lifted and find yourself smiling for no particular reason….
Was thinking about the pantomime last night as made my way along the track…it has been such fun being ‘Princey’. Last night was one of those fabulous nights when people laugh for all the wrong reasons – that can only ever happen I feel in a traditional amateur dramatic panto… creating such a lovely atmosphere of shared laughter and comradely.
Reflecting too on myself taking on the role of Prince Frederick and prancing about all cocksure of ’himself’ … several lovely people congratulating me… wow how things have changed….considering I was the person who clung to the shadows for so long in my life and who, despite becoming a model, was the biggest self-critic when it came to her body and looks with incredibly low self-esteem.
As with countless others the ‘issue’ was initiated from childhood and being made fun of by family members for my body creating self-consciousness…which then set up a pattern attracting more of the same throughout school experience where I experienced bullying for being a ‘stick’ and ‘ugly’. I can still remember boys faces jeering at my ‘lack’ of figure as they ran past to catch the school bus and then proceeding to taunt me – daily – for the 20 minute bus ride home. I was soo embarrassed and upset…too embarrassed to ‘tell’ anyone and too ashamed to say anything at home where I was ‘teased’ anyway.
With therapy hat on its clear where that pattern and subsequent behaviour of self-critical self-sabotage set in… a pattern that then effected pretty much every area of life…as they do.
I remember my shock at being accepted into a model agency in my 20’s and my being stunned at finding myself walking up and down a catwalk. Only trouble was self-critical voice never ever let me truly accept or believe it… to the degree that despite following that path for 5 years, it became an experience of negative rather than positive feedback. Each ‘casting’ for work – where sometimes thousands of girls were sent to apply… became a torturous experience of hearing what was wrong with you rather than what was right…and my now established ‘nasty voice’ loved that… and relished in the opportunity to remind me at every opportunity how ugly or ‘imperfect’ I was. My model stats: 34- 24 – 35 and I was told I had to lose an inch off my hips to get the last job that I went for… Nasty voice ran riot!
In the end to try and shut the nasty voice up I pulled away from modelling as a career and went travelling… joke really…travelling to look for the answers to my internal pain…when really the answers were there all along…inside me…I just had to unlock them. Back then though – spiritual tradition and info was much less readily available – so it was more of a case of figuring it all out for myself…which took a bit longer than reading a book! No regrets though- the journey was enriching, even if challenging…
So why am I telling you guys this?? I guess in the hope that it helps you recognise and reflect on what your nasty voice has told you in the past – or perhaps still does – and to demonstrate that it doesn’t matter how long that voice has been taunting you…even if it is for decades…it’s never too late to break free from it and to turn down its volume so that it no longer has the power over you and so control and restrict your enjoyment of life.
I truly believe that every woman…and man… deserves to tap into their core authentic power and to enjoy the unique expression of who they are… free to enjoy ‘being’ and to find self-contentment and happiness with who they are and within experiences within their lives.
It all starts with observing and shining the light on that ‘nasty voice’ Recognising where it stemmed from, casting no ‘blame’ and projecting no sense of ‘fault’ Simply observing the pattern and then as and when it raises its head to be heard…saying ‘yep…I hear you…but I don’t believe you anymore.’
In other words – have the voice…but don’t let the voice ‘have’ you.
…little by little… the voice takes the back seat…and leaves you free to explore new avenues…more expansive and enjoyable experiences…
Your new horizon beckon… are you ready!
Namaste
Enjoy your journey X